An endless chase. Constant yearn for an escape.
I see you every time I close my eyes. If I don’t, you’ll haunt my dreams and I’ll wake up with apologies and prayers on my tongue.
The natural disaster of my childhood. The terror of my early teenage. The misplaced rage of my coming of age.
But I survived. Not many people can say the same. It’s not a triumph but a guilt. An unnerving, never-ending shame. Unspoken.
I should be with you. It’s not enough to witness your death. I should walk within your ruin. Crumble under your collapse.
There is no other way. There is no other ending to this story. I do not deserve a love besides yours. No other fingers interlock with mine, quite like yours. No shoulder to rest on, is as sharp as yours.
Each day holds something worse and each day you squeeze my hand tighter so that your imprint is etched into my bone.
I wish I never knew you, like the rest of them. Living in eternal bliss and not even knowing it. All their wars are fought in heaven. I want to shake them by the shoulders and make them aware of it. Make them hurt like you are hurting. Always hurting. Why won’t they hurt instead?
But you’re pulling me back. Back to where I belong.
Your arms are so soft, wrapped around me. You bite into me. I can’t scream. I don’t even know how to. You swallow me alive and your belly feels like home. I can’t see a thing when inside, but I know I’m right where I belong.
I should not know peace when your all your battles were fought at my feet. I can’t feel safe until I’m in your belly, waiting for it to be cut open at any moment. Laughing together as we wait for imminent pain.
I can rinse my mouth a million times but you’ll always be on my tongue. Our blood is the same now. Your scars become mine. Your loss is my loss. I am you: helpless and hopeless. But you made me what I am. I can’t repay the favour, so I only ask you to make me anything besides yours.
